Refusals are unavoidable; it’s simply impossible to say yes to every request, invitation, offer, and suggestion made to you. Because of how commonplace refusals are, learning the various strategies for making refusals in academic, professional, and social environments without appearing impolite is essential. Even more, the often exaggerated stereotype of English being a “direct” language means that many English language learners may be perceived as impolite or extremely rude because of blunt refusals such as no or I can’t, especially when said to people of higher social status.
Before moving on, can you think of other ways of saying no?
In addition to direct responses such as no and I can’t (which are appropriate in certain contexts), there is a variety of strategies to make refusals indirect, and speakers often use more than one strategy depending on the situation or the type of strategy used. Some of the strategies include the following:2
- Reason or explanation (But, the problem is that I have a class that meets that same time.)
- Alternatives (What if we meet Tuesday instead of Monday? I’ll be free then.)
- Wish (I wish I could, but…)
- Expression of regret or apology (I’m really sorry about that.)
- Promise of future acceptance (I’ll definitely participate next semester.)
- Avoidance
- Postponement (Would you mind if I thought about that for a little bit?)
- Hedging (I’m not sure.)
- Request for clarification (Did you say next week?)
- Request for additional information (Could you tell me a little more about the job responsibilities?)
- Partial repeats of what was previously said (A: A few people are getting together on Thursday to study, if you’d like to come. B: Thursday?)
- Indefinite response (That might work.)
- Letting the listener off the hook (Don’t worry about it!)
In addition to the above, there are several categories of expressions that can precede or follow refusals to soften them:
- Gratitude (Thanks so much for thinking of me, but…)
- Positive remarks (That’s a great idea, but…)
- Willingness (Normally, I’d love to, but…)
- Empathy (I know you’re in a tough situation right now, but…)
- Partial agreement (I see what you mean, but…)
- Fillers (Um/uh/well…)
Other Considerations for Making Refusals
During academic advising sessions, giving reasons or making alternatives are the two most common strategies used by English speakers when making a refusal.1
Refusals often last more than just one “turn,” and English language learners might end refusal sequences abruptly. 1, 9, 10 For example, a sequence for refusing an invitation to a birthday party may look like this:
Opening
Minji: Hey Chris, how was your weekend?
Chris: Hey Minji! It was good, and yours?
Minji: Oh good, nothing special.
Invitation-refusal sequence
Minji: Hey, so I’m turning 22 on Wednesday-
Chris: Oh nice!
Minji: Yeah, and I was planning on having a small party on Friday. I’m mostly inviting people from our group of friends, and it’d be great to get together one more time before the semester ends.
Chris: Oh, this Friday?
Minji: Yeah. Why?
Chris: Oh no. I’ve actually already bought a bus ticket for Friday. I’m heading home for my little sister’s graduation from elementary school.
Insistence-response
Minji: No way! Oh man.
Chris: Yeah, and I’ll be leaving in the evening.
Minji: So you don’t think there’s any way you can, like-
Chris: Ah, I really wish I could. It’s been a long time since we last hung out.
Minji: No worries. Family first!
Suggestion to make plans-response
Chris: Are you busy next week? Maybe I can buy you lunch to make up for it!
Minji: Aw, that’s nice of you. Sure, let’s figure it out next week.
Chris: Ok.
Closing
Minji: Well, I’m sorry you can’t come, but have fun at home with your sister. That’s exciting!
Chris: Thanks. Sorry again I can’t make it. Have a happy birthday!
Minji: Thanks.
Practice: Identify the Refusal
Look at the following refusals. What is the primary strategy used in each?
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1. I know you’ve been working really hard, but I just don’t have any time to help you right now.
2. How about we go to the cafe closer to the park instead?
3. I’m really sorry, but I won’t be able to make it.
4. I don’t know.
5. I’ll definitely try it next week.
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1. Empathy
2. Alternative
3. Apology
4. Hedging
5. Promise of future acceptance
Scenarios for Practice, Part 1
Use the above strategies to respond appropriately in the following situations. Once you feel comfortable doing so, try incorporating two strategies into one refusal.
1. One of your professors recommends you take her class in the fall, but you have already signed up for an elective course that conflicts with her class.
Sample responses:
Willingness and postponement: Hm, well, I’ll definitely think about it. Let me check my academic schedule, and I’ll let you know.
Wish and reason: Oh, I really wish I could, but I’ve already signed up for a class that I’m really interested in.
Gratitude and question: Thanks for recommending that to me, but I’m not sure it’ll work with my schedule. Could you tell me a little bit about it, anyway?
2. Your friend asks if you want to go with her to a concert, but you don’t really like the band’s music.
Sample responses:
Positive remark and postponement: That sounds like so much fun. I’ll definitely go next time!
Hedging and indefinite response: I’m not sure. I may be able to.
Gratitude and reason: Thanks for the invitation, but I’ve already made some plans that evening.
3. A classmate offers to help you carry some books, but you are fine carrying them yourself.
Sample responses:
Gratitude: Thanks, but I’m ok!
Positive remark: How nice of you. I think I can carry them, though.
Shifting the responsibility away from the listener: Oh, they’re really not that heavy. Don’t worry about it.
4. A coworker sees that you’re tired and suggests having a cup of coffee, but you avoid caffeine.
Sample responses:
Alternative: I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but maybe I should get to bed early tonight.
Partial agreement: I know most people would grab a cup if they felt like I do!
Postponement: Yeah, maybe later today I will.
5. Your boss asks if you would like to join a company happy hour get-together, but you’ve already made plans with some friends.
Sample responses:
Filler, Reason, and Gratitude: Oh, um, you know what? I’ve already got something going on tonight, but thanks so much for inviting me!
Positive remark and future acceptance: That sounds like so much fun! I can’t tonight, but I’ll be at the next one!
Hedging: I’ll think about it!
6. You’re working on a class project with a peer. Your peer has been having problems at home and asks if you can take one of her sections of the project. However, you’re already doing most of the work and don’t have spare time.
Sample responses:
Empathy and reason: I know you’ve got a lot going on, but I’ve got zero time to add more work on my end.
Request for clarification and additional information: Did you say that section on finance law? You have the chapters on that information, right?
Partial repeat of what was previously said: The section on finance law? I’m already doing so much, sorry.
Scenarios for Practice, Part 2
Read the scenarios below. Then, select the appropriate response from the list based on what you have learned about saying “no” in English.
1. Situation: Your boss wants you to take a last minute business trip, but your spouse already has a business trip scheduled and you need to be home with your kids. Choose the best refusal response.
Boss: So would you be able to take that trip to LA to meet with our clients next week?
You:
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A. I really can’t. I’m so sorry.
B. I wish I could, but the problem is my spouse is taking a business trip next week and I need to be home with the kids. Is there any way I could go out the next week? I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.
C. Could you explain more about the trip? It sounds interesting.
B is the best answer.
A is too direct for a boss, even though you apologize. It would be better to give an explanation. C is polite, but at this point you need to refuse quickly rather than get more information. Asking for more information could be misleading or give your boss false hope.
Answer B is best because it expresses regret and an apology, as well as an explanation and an alternative.
Conversation continues…
Boss: Oh, that’s too bad. You’d be the best person for this project, but I can see if Lauren can go instead.
You:
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A. Thank you so much for understanding. I apologize for the trouble. If you change your mind, let me know. I could go in two weeks. If not, I can definitely plan on the next trip.
B. Thanks, sorry again.
C. Are you sure? Um, maybe I can do it.
A is the best answer.
B is too informal for a boss and sounds a bit apathetic.
C is polite, but if you really can’t go, you should not act as though something can change.
Answer A is best because there is an additional apology in a formal way, along with a promise of future acceptance.
Conversation continues…
Boss: Thank you, don’t worry about it.
2. Situation: Your classmate wants you to sign her name to show she was in attendance at class, even though she won’t be there.
Classmate: Ok, so I am skipping today. Can you sign me in?
You:
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A. Um, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable doing that.
B. Are you crazy? No way!
C. I might be able to.
A is the best answer.
B is too direct and insulting, even though your classmate shouldn’t be asking you to do this.
C is too indirect because it is an indefinite response. Your classmate will think it’s possible you will do this with a little pushing.
Answer A is best because it is honest, uses an indirect filler, and gives an explanation.
Conversation continues…
Classmate: Why? It’s so easy. Just put my name down.
You:
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A. It’s really wrong of you to ask me to do this.
B. I won’t be able to sign you in, but if you need the notes, I’d be happy to get them to you.
C. I’m so sorry. I really wish I could help you. Please forgive me.
B is the best answer.
A is too confrontational, which could cause a problem with your classmate, even though it is wrong.
C is too apologetic and formal, especially since your classmate is putting you in an uncomfortable position.
Answer B is best because it is direct, but offers a nice alternative.
Conversation continues…
Classmate: Ok, fine, you’re right. Thanks anyway.
3. Situation: You are sitting on the train, when an elderly woman asks you if you could help her carry her suitcases up the stairs at the next stop. You don’t think there would be enough time to help her and get back to the train in time, and you are in a hurry to get to an appointment.
Woman on the train: Excuse me. Would you mind helping me bring this suitcase up the stairs at the next stop? It will take two seconds.
You:
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A. I’m deeply sorry, but I regret to say that I won’t be able to help you at this moment.
B. Sorry, I don’t have time.
C. I really would like to help you out, but I don’t think I’d be able to make it back to the train in time, and I’m in a rush. So sorry!
C is the best answer.
A is too formal for the situation.
B is too direct and a bit rude.
Answer C is best because it uses the wish strategy along with an explanation and informal apology.
Conversation continues…
Woman on the train: Really? Can’t you see I need help here?
You:
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A. I’m sorry, ma’am..I just don’t have time right now.
B. No way.
C. Um, do you know when the next train is coming?
A is the best answer. Although it is slightly on the ruder side, the woman is being rude to you, and the situation may call for you to be a little bit more direct.
B is too direct and rude.
C is too unclear, and delays your answer. If you can’t do it, you should be polite, but direct.
Option A is best because it uses empathy and willingness, along with an additional explanation and apology.
Conversation continues…
Woman on the train: Thanks for nothing.
You:
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A. Whatever.
B. I’m sorry again.
C. Good luck.
B is the best answer.
A is extremely direct and rude.
C is too sarcastic for this situation.
Option B is best because it reiterates how apologetic you are, while maintaining your politeness in an awkward situation.
For a full list of references used cited in the “Appropriate Communication” sections, click here.